Friend, have you had no date of late? Or have you had dates galore but found them each a bore? Were you looking for Mr or Mrs Right, only to have to tell ‘em to fly a kite!
Did you think you’d met “the one”? Was the first date oh such fun? Full of laughter, not disaster — happy days, no dismays? When he was away, did you lay awake at night, missing him rather than dissing him, reminiscing of kissing him rather than dismissing him? But in the long run, hon, aren’t you glad it was done? Did it start with a tingle and a bang, yet end in a whimper and then a dang?!
Yet, please be honest, don’t you long for love? For the one given to you from above?
If so, sing with me this love song I just composed:
O, come after me! Please won’t you, my love?
For I will take care of you and love you.
I will whisper sweetly and coo like a dove,
And fit songs in your heart as a hand in a glove!
Don’t be blue, you know who, don’t you wish for this lyrical miracle to come true for you, too?
Has Match.com failed you? Or eHarmony railed you? Have you had to go through a bunch of baloney, yet still end up oh so desperately lonely?
Friend, let me say, that’s because you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places! Checking out the wrong faces! No wonder you’re finding only nut cases!
What you need to spice up your dating life, and perhaps to find a wife, to put a bounce in your step again, so as not to give up hope on men, is . . . *drum roll please * . . .
Remember, when your dating life has gone to heck, the dead will be at your call and beck! You never need fear, there’s no looming doom. Rather there’s plenty of room for corpse brides and bridegrooms.
Of course, we can’t promise you a perfect date, as you might end up raw or live bait! But what we can and will guarantee, if only to a certain degree, is a little bit of burlesque — if you can stomach the grotesque!
So I bid you well, dear friend, may you find a date you don’t hate, and may it even be your fate to meet your soul mate. Now to close I give you one last best wish — hope you’re not served as the zombie’s next dish!
And, finally, no more rhyming now, I mean it! (Anybody want a peanut?)
I got one thing to say to all the lesser dating websites out there: eat your heart out! Otherwise, the zombies are more than happy to oblige.
6 Comments
Hmm, this is sort of Agnes DiPesto meets Army of Darkness.
I don’t know who Agnes DiPesto is but I loved Army of Darkness! And Bruce Campbell, too.
I figured that might be a little obscure, but surely you can use Google?! Agnes was the receptionist on Moonlighting, who always answered the phone in rhymes.
Oh, sure, that would be the “logical” thing to do. But I defy logic! (Which is another way of saying I’m super lazy.)
If you’re not careful, Charlie will have to downgrade you from “Geek” to “Nerd.”
LOL, Matt! But I don’t know if I’ve even been upgraded from “Peon” to “Plebe” yet, to say nothing of the other two?
On a related note, Charlie is the master wizard of all things here — geek, chic, and everything in between. I bow to his awesome knowledge, intelligence, and wisdom (not to mention his uber cool beans, chillaxed style) — like a mere MS WordPad user to the measureless power and authority of an Emacs guru!