Talking Out Of Turn

The fifth noble truth is that atheism sucks.

Yeah, we’re sorry but our atheist “friends” are really starting to tick us off now.

Ever since we’ve joined the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it’s been totally crazy! They keep spamming us with lame emails. What’s worse, they keep calling our cell and work phones and asking for us to consider making a small contribution or donation (read: “tithe”) to their cause. I never should’ve given them my personal info. They’re worse than the Mormons or JWs. And at least the Mormons and JWs leave you with a pamphlet or card. Here we don’t even get so much as a pat on the back!

I, for one, am completely fed up.

Why are we giving our hard earned and precious money to a cause that doesn’t even believe in a life after death, that has no purpose beyond the grave? Sure, they could preach the gospel of the FSM and convert every person in the world, but when you think about it, why bother because in the end everyone’s gonna die anyway. We could all know the truth of atheism but it’s not really going to change our lives or effect our destinies or anything like that. When it comes right down to it, it’s not like we’re getting anything out of the deal in return! The only thing that’s promised to us in atheism is that we’ll be buried six feet under and eaten by worms. What’s the point?

Thus, after much deep, contemplative discussion and a considerable amount of deliberation with Charlie and Tracey, lasting for the last ten whole minutes, via Instant Messenger, we’ve decided that we’re now going to leave atheism and the Church of the FSM behind, and join Buddhism.

Why Buddhism? Because at least Buddhism allows us to be reincarnated as worms and eat the atheists. Ha! That’s why.

Also, it sounds like we’re going to go with Tibetan Buddhism just cuz it’s pretty cool and chic these days. You know, the whole “Free Tibet” movement, “Down with those Chinese Commis and their oppression!”, etc. Plus, if famous celebs like Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, Richard Gere, and “golden child” Eddie Murphy have done movies and supported the cause of the Dalai Lama, then that totally makes it right for us to do, too. Yep. If Brad Pitt jumped off of a cliff, or Keanu Reeves off of a building, then so would I! (Disclaimer: obviously this assumes we are in a virtual reality world like The Matrix. I mean, c’mon, man! I’d never be willing to do such a foolish thing in real life! GOSH! as Napoleon Dynamite would say.)

But the best thing is that “Dalai Lama” rhymes with “Bahama Mama,” which you have to admit is pretty cool. Speaking of which, I hope the Dalai Lama finds his Bahama Mama someday. I’m rootin’ for you, you little shaved-headed Tibetan dude with the flowing crimson robes! You go, my Boddhisattva brotha from anotha motha!

Hang on a second. Can the Dalai Lama have a Bahama Mama for a girlfriend let alone wife? Possibly not. Hm. But there’s no way I’m joining a religion that doesn’t allow the main guy in charge to have a significant other! It wouldn’t bode well for the rest of us. (By the way, yes, that was also my, ahem, “scholarly” basis for rejecting Catholicism: the Pope ain’t got no hope wid da ladies! It ain’t like he can pull a Luther, dude, and marry a nun on the run!)

That’s why we should go with another Buddhism. I pick Zen.

Let’s vote on it. Should we go with Zen Buddhism instead? Yay or nay? Clap one hand loudly if you think we should go with Zen Buddhism, otherwise remain silent.

And if I find out Zen Buddhism doesn’t allow its spiritual leader(s) (whoever that may be) to have a spouse in da house either, then I ain’t playin’, playa, but I’m gonna go all Crazy Cruise, destroy Oprah, and join Scientology instead!