Talking Out Of Turn

Wherever I go, there I am.

I’ve been doing much soul searching these days. My inner self wanders across the mind’s desert wastelands in search of inner illumination. I seek the the Omniscient Om, the Unseen Um, the Absolute Ah, the Mystical Mm, and the Happenin’ Hm.

Om! Um! Ah! Mm! Hm!

My soul cannot rest.

Finally, the waves of my brain rise so high, only to crash down with such might, that they rip through the very fabric of the metaphysical mind that is mine — yesss, all mine, yesss, my preciousss — and suddenly and violently force themselves into the physical realm which we know to be my nostrils. My immediate reaction is to sneeze, and then . . . it all comes out — not cold boogers on a paper plate but hot snot on a silver platter!

“Mmmm hmmm! Mmmm hmmm! Mmmm hmmm!” I repeatedly chant to myself, as a mantra, and thus I become insane. (Or at least more insane than I was before.)

But just as the yin is not complete without the yang, and the yang without the yin, or Cheech without Chong, neither is my insanity complete without my sanity.

After so much wandering in desert wastelands, after so much spiritual thirst and hunger, after having to endure the sun beating down on me day after day with such palpable and inexorable heat, after my clothing has become tattered and my feet swollen and bloodied in the hot desert sand, after my normally prepubescent, sorry excuse for whiskers has grown into a full length Fu Manchu, and after feeding on what I can only term “Spiritual Scooby Snacks,” I discovered an oasis in the midst of the tractless desert, I discovered the true calling of an ex-Christian-atheist-Buddhist dude, I found the religion to end all religions!

I have become a Scientologist.

Indeed, I had a fever, and the only prescription was more clambake!

But if you want some embarrassingly bad attempt at rationality from me, the main reason I’ve left atheism and Buddhism for Scientology is because I am sick and tired of religions and irreligions which end with “ism”! I want a religion which ends with “ology,” cuz it sounds all academic and scholarly and stuff, like biology or meteorology or physiology or paleontology or art.

Anyway. I have such serenity of being! My thetan soul is free now! Free to serve Xenu!

Or something like that anyway. It’s all so confusing.

In any case, I’m proud to join the ranks of such greats as Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Isaac Hayes.

And now I have such control of mind and such power of thought, that I am not ashamed to obliterate you, puny earthling, while wearing an ill-fitting space suit and with ridiculously nasty dreadlocks!

Bring it.