Talking Out Of Turn

Okay, don’t think that just because we no longer believe in “God” that we’re likewise no longer altruistic or charitable.

On the contrary, we’re still good, moral people.

For instance, we’ve started to make donations not only to SETI but also to a discreet organization which supports the search for teapots orbiting around the sun, invisible pink unicorns, and, best of all, pots of gold under rainbows.

(Shh, keep this on the down-low, but another incentive for me is that I really, really hope someone finds a pot of gold under a rainbow so that I can get my share for helping to fund the search! Even better would be if someone finds two pots of gold under a double rainbow! I’ve never seen a double rainbow but a friend tells me Illinois has plenty of them, so whoever is looking, make sure to go there and look under double rainbows so I can get doubly rich. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being rich.)

Quite apart from things like morals and goodness (which, anyway, are different for different people and cultures), it just feels so good to give. And if it feels good, then that means it is good. Goodness is defined by how I feel. About what makes me happy. That’s what matters in the end. If you can’t be happy, then what’s the point? I just want to be happy.

I want to be clear though: I wouldn’t do anything if it ended up hurting someone else. If I hurt someone else, then that would not be right. That is, unless they first hurt me. Then that’s okay if I hurt them back. And by “hurt” I mean anything that makes me upset or rubs me the wrong way. But if they haven’t hurt me, then it’s not right for me to hurt them. Unless I just think they’re a loser or whatever, then that’s okay if I hurt them — just not too much. Like it’d be wrong if I punched them in the face but it’d okay if I told other people that they’re a loser and made fun of the way they walk or talk. What I’m getting at is that sticks and stones would break the guy’s bones, but don’t worry, words would never hurt him.

But if they did do something really bad to me, like if they talked bad about me behind my back and made other people think I’m a sissy, then it’d be okay for me to stand up for myself and rough them up a little so that they know who’s boss, who’s the alpha male in the jungle of life. Or at least to likewise talk bad about them behind their backs to see how they like a taste of their own medicine. I’m not advocating revenge for revenge’s sake. Revenge is not “a dish best served cold.” Rather, revenge is necessary so that people know where they stand before me, so that they can’t mess with me, or take advantage of me in any way whatsoever. You have to put people in their place for their own good. By the way, I should also note it’s okay to feel good about ruining this person’s life or reputation, because after all he started it first, he attacked me, and so he deserves what’s coming to him. As for me, I’m just defending myself and sticking up for myself.

Getting back to giving. To be honest, sometimes I’m not exactly sure why it’s so good to give, because I kinda think it’d be better to take and have more for myself, you know? I don’t mean I want to build a financial or political empire like Donald Trump or Julius Caesar. I just want to have slightly more than the next guy. Or at least to keep up with him. What’s wrong with wanting whatever your neighbor has? After all, it’s just wanting to be equal to him. It’s just wanting everything to be fair. Nothing less, nothing more.

But, I have to admit again, it sometimes does feel pretty good when you win. Like when I find out my life is more successful than someone else’s. Hey, I’m not being cocky. It’s just that I know how to parlay the qualities that I was born with into success. I might only have been born with a pair of deuces, but I know how to turn these deuces into a royal flush. Maybe I worked harder or smarter than other people. Or maybe I was just lucky and I was in the right place at the right time, because I’m just such a lucky guy, I can’t help it. Look, all I’m saying is that I deserve what I’ve gotten out of life, and that I’m taking pride in what I’ve earned. Again, what’s wrong with that?

Plus, I’m more than willing to give away lots of my hard-earned money to charity or special causes I believe in. Trust me, when I become a millionaire, I’ll definitely support good causes and organizations. So now I hope you can see why it’s good for me to earn lots and lots of money: because I have more money to give away!

And even if I don’t become a millionaire, all I want is enough money to be able to have the things I want out of life. I don’t need anything fancy. I just want to enough to give me a happy life. I want to be able to say to myself, “You have a wife, kids, a house, cars, and enough money in your bank account to survive for a while. So don’t worry! Just chill, relax, chillax, enjoy life, be happy!”

All I want is to be a good and happy person.