Talking Out Of Turn

Revised 1-11-07:

DJP’s recent post is quite good.

In fact it was so good it inspired me to post the following in the combox:

Speaking of freedom re: whom to marry, might I please take this moment to freely offer myself to available single Christian females?

I don’t want to waste your time, so let’s get right to it. Here are 10 reasons why you should take me up on my offer:

1. I am Christian. I suppose this isn’t so much a “good reason” as it is a basic commonality one would expect to share in a Christian marriage. But sorry, I gotta put it here ‘cos otherwise this is gonna be one short list.

2. Judging by the photo on my Blogger profile, I am mysterious. Which, from a judicious perusal of the back covers of cheesy romance novels at a local Borders bookstore, ladies appear to find attractive. Well, maybe “attractive” isn’t quite the right word in my case… Be that as it may, one should always expect life should measure up to Danielle Steel.

3. I would also add I’m tall, dark, and handsome, but I think only the “dark” appellation would apply. Still, one out of three ain’t bad. In fact, in baseball, that’s a .333 average!

4. Also, I can do basic math. This probably doesn’t seem like it’d be a compelling reason. Okay, fine, I agree. See, I’m also agreeable!

5. By the way, I’m really poor at sports. I’m no athlete. I’m quite weak. Even now, I can barely throw a pitch over home plate. True, in a regular-sized baseball diamond, this is pretty hard for your average Joe. But I’m talking about Little League.

Oh, wait, how is this a good thing, you ask? I’m glad you asked! Because I’m so poor at sports, I probably won’t watch that much stuff on TV. Therefore, I’ll have more time to spend with you.

On the other hand, you may not want to be seen in public with an unathletic, weak man. Hm, I’m really not helping my case, am I?

6. Due to a childhood injury, I can’t smell all that well. Which would be both a pro as well as a con. Pro: feel free to avoid breath mints ‘cos I can’t tell anyway. Con: what if I do the same?

7. I have injuries. Sure, it may seem like I’m damaged goods. But let’s think of this in a more positive light. Perhaps I have scars because of all the horrific ordeals I’ve been through in life? Perhaps in my former life, I was a brigand and a rogue? Or a gangsta thug on the run? Or perhaps I was a really stupid, rebellious child who was jumping on a water bed when he shouldn’t have been, and thus the injury was my own fault. But why fuss over the details?

8. I’m offering myself up on a weblog. Not only on a weblog, but in the combox of a post of a weblog. You may immediately think, “Desperate”! But let’s not jump to conclusions. To look at it another way, if we snip off the last two letters of the word “Desperate” and replace it with a “d” and an “o,” we have: “Desperado.”

9. As you can probably tell from my last name, I am Asian. Which makes me exotic. And as we all know, exotic Asians are few and far between in this world. That’s what makes us exotic. Does this sound circular? Well, we are an enigmatic people. We hail from “the Far East.” Or “the Orient,” if you will. Land with lots of mist, myth, and other strange and puzzling items such as the Chinese finger trap and poorly dubbed kung fu movies. Again, that’s what makes us exotic. And, again, there are so few of us. For example, there are only about 1.5 billion of us in China.

10. Finally, let me offer up this last reason why you should consider me: because if you don’t, I will make another list which will be ten times worse than this one! Is this a threat? Oh, no, not at all! It’s simply a kind invitation for you to consider. Please? (Or I’ll really do it!)

And of course, thank you, Pyros, for starting the fire and setting my heart aflame with love.

On a serious note, though, this was a good post. Thanks, Dan, for posting it. And for putting up with the likes of me.

Update (1-12-06): And Jessica kindly lends a helping hand!