Talking Out Of Turn

Last night I received an email from Dr. White, with the following list of his favorites from our recent list of “Little known facts about James White” and some commentary of his own (in italics) that is as funny as anything posted:

• Calvin didn’t burn Servetus. James White burned Servetus. With his laser pointer. [Ed. — this “fact” has some context you might want to see (taken from my explanation at another blog): Regarding Servetus… well, he’s been dead a long time, and by now everybody should know that Servetus’ death shouldn’t be held against Calvin (any more than anybody else in that day and age, at any rate). And the first time I saw Dr. White in person he had this insanely powerful laser pointer that looked like he had swiped it from a lab at MIT, and he was whipping it around in a dark sanctuary before a presentation and making lightsaber noises. For some reason I put the two together.]

  (OK, I love this one because most folks would never ever dream I would be in a dark sanctuary with a green laser pointer making light saber noises. And, of course, I am neither confirming, nor denying, that I have ever done such a thing. Multiple times, even.)

• If Dave Hunt debated James White publicly, James White would refute Dave Hunt in Dave’s opening statement, before James actually got to say anything. Just by being there.

  (This just happens to be true due to the nature of Dave Hunt’s teachings.)

• God can pull up James White’s speaking engagements calendar on His computer, even though the rest of us only get updates every six months or so.

  (This is because Open Theism is untrue. Do the math.)

• The last time James White visited the Vatican, that statue of St. Peter that visitors like to touch kept falling over.

  (Given the level of biblical literacy of folks filing through the Vatican, this particular comment was just too well done.)

• The Swiss Guard carry pictures of James White, just in case. Not that that will help them.

  (I knew they were looking at me oddly in Rome last year.)

• Contrary to popular opinion, James White is Lance Armstrong’s riding inspiration.

  (How could I pass over my own son’s contribution? Besides, I could only wish it to be true!)

• James White helped B.B. Warfield better understand the Greek word theopneustos.

  (This one shows that I have helped others to properly spell theopneustos, a life-long goal of mine!)

• A new fashion trend spread across the globe after James White donned his first kilt.

  (Another life-long dream fulfilled!)

• James White created the fractal equations that control the weather.

  Jack Bauer keeps James White’s phone number in his pocket just in case.

  centuri0n’s home page is James White’s blog.

  (These all came from MarieP, the uber-librarian, and we could honestly do a Norrisization of MarieP, so good is she as a data miner/researcher.)

• Without James White, there would be no centuri0n. What a boring world that would be.

  (Because cent never thought I would.)

• Steve Camp comes to the annual conference/cruise because James tells him to.
  O’Fallon sponsors the annual conference cruise because James tells him to.
  James White asks David King politely if he can kindly be available for the annual cruise each year. You do the math.

  (Everyone in channel understands this. No one outside of channel does.)

• James White encouraged Athanasius to stand contra mundum.

  (Sometimes I feel that old.)

• James White pursues church discipline against infralapsarians.

  (And watermelons.)

• Contrary to popular belief, Oakley sunglasses actually wear James White to look cool rather than the other way around. Same goes for kilts.

  (See the preceding.)

• James White tried to debate Erasmus on the topic of free will, but Erasmus said he would only debate Catholics like that Luther fellow, and then only in writing. Multnomah did the first edition of Bondage of the Will, by the way, with JI Packer and Tim LaHaye both writing forwards.

  (Way too much anachronistic truth in this one.)

• It would be better to be a watermelon in an “undisclosed desert location” than to accuse James White of eisegesis.

  (Way too much present truth in this one.)

• James White brings true meaning to the phrase, NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER!!
  He also invented the Plazma Cannon.

  (A great movie reference, though “Plasma Canon” would have been even funnier.)

• Latimer actually said, “Play James White, Mr. Ridley.”

  (The first time I preached in the pulpit of the Phoenix Reformed Baptist Church Pastor Fry, as we were about to go through the door into the service, quietly said, “Play the man, Mr. Ridley.” I wasn’t sure how to take that, given the historical context.)

• Dave Hunt secretly wears James White pajamas.

  (VERY secretly.)

• When John Shelby Spong found out he had to debate James White, he tried to get his sentence reduced to death.

  (Shhhh….Bishop Spong doesn’t know this yet.)

• James White is bald because his hair got scared and left. No one looks down on James White.

  (More very wishful thinking.)

• Sonny and Cher broke up because of James White.

  (The truth is worse: not only did I know they would break up—though I was but a youth at the time and my parents wouldn’t let me watch that debauched woman in stages of undress anyway—but my knowing it CAUSED it to happen.)

• The often used but very ambiguous term “Moderate Calvinism” actually refers to a Calvinist who hasn’t read James White yet.

  James White is the only Christian apologist to ever have a sponsor (Coogi).

  One day, James White was riding his bike while listening to two different debates in each of his ears from two different mp3 players. As he was mentally providing rebuttals to both debates, he rode over some glass and a pair of holes were cut in both of his tires. However, the air in the tires was simply too scared of James White to come out.

  (All three were classic.)

• In the original script for Episode III, Obi-Wan says, “only James White believes in absolutes!”

  (I have that script on my wall.)

• When Martin Luther said, “Unless I am convinced by Scripture and plain reason…” he looked at James White in the audience, and James piped up and said, “No, Martin, you’re good. Go ahead.”

  (Yes, but I did so in German.)

• Pope Julius II wore armor because of James White.

  (And keep in mind, this was before deodorant.)

• Can James White make an argument he can’t refute?

  (No, but Mrs. White can.)

• In reality, James White is but a sinner saved by the grace of his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and because he is in Christ, in God’s eyes, that’s what makes James White truly great.

  (Great way to end!)