In the spirit of Chuck Norris Facts (and if this bothers you, start with comment #320 and then read it all):
- When James White stutters in his Greek class, a new entry shows up in the next edition of BDAG.
- James White can bench 300… 300 copies of the 38-volume Hendrickson Church Fathers set, that is.
- Barringer Crater was formed when James White threw down Gerry Matatics in their last debate.
- On his last bike ride, James White gasped when he heard something John Shelby Spong said that would be a great thing to remember for the debate. That gasp sucked all the oxygen out of the Western United States for a minute and put out the worst forest fire in US History.
- Calvin didn’t burn Servetus. James White burned Servetus. With his laser pointer. Ed. — this “fact” has some context you might want to see (taken from my explanation at another blog:
Regarding Servetus… well, he’s been dead a long time, and by now everybody should know that Servetus’ death shouldn’t be held against Calvin (any more than anybody else in that day and age, at any rate). And the first time I saw Dr. White in person he had this insanely powerful laser pointer that looked like he had swiped it from a lab at MIT, and he was whipping it around in a dark sanctuary before a presentation and making lightsaber noises. For some reason I put the two together.
- Augustine read The Potter’s Freedom to figure out how best to answer Pelagius.
- If Dave Hunt debated James White publicly, James White would refute Dave Hunt in Dave’s opening statement, before James actually got to say anything. Just by being there.
- When The God Who Justifies was finished on James White’s computer, NT Wright suddenly got a migraine and to this day he doesn’t know why.
- When Satan sleeps, he dreams about James White crossing the Tiber. Then he wakes up, because somebody alerts him to the fact that ten people just crossed it going the other way, because they heard James White.
- James White is the sixth point of Calvinism.
- God can pull up James White’s speaking engagements calendar on His computer, even though the rest of us only get updates every six months or so.
- James White’s website design isn’t bad. All the others are just too hoity-toity. Take that, Challies.
- John Macarthur is a dispensationalist because if he and James White were both Covenant Theologians, then the next year there would only be Roman Catholics and Reformed Baptists, and no other denominations at all.
- James White didn’t sign the 1689 because he didn’t want to make Nehemiah Cox feel bad.
- If James White were the president of the SBC, every church would have more in attendance than in membership, Resolution Five wouldn’t exist, nobody would drink even without the resolution, Paige Patterson would have a blog, the BFM2007 would be identical to the 2LBCF, and everybody would pack heat when they weren’t in church.
- James White is the Regulative Principle of everything but Worship.
- If James White went to Idaho, CREC would preemptively disband, and Doug Wilson would read Psalms every week out of the NASB95 before rebaptizing everybody in his congregation who had been baptized as a Roman Catholic before.
- If James White went to the Louvre, he’d stumble upon a murder mystery involving a dead man posed like one of Angelz’s caricatures.
- James White doesn’t need to enable comments on his blog. His posts comment on themselves.
- James White isn’t bald. Everybody else just has a hair-centered theology.
- James White’s hairs were only four-point Calvinists. ‘Nuff said.
- James White scares the hides off the calves that make his uber-Bibles.
- The last time James White visited the Vatican, that statue of St. Peter that visitors like to touch kept falling over.
- Nobody moderates James White in a debate.
- Nobody would call Tom Ascol a hyper-Calvinist if they could see James White after four cups of coffee.
- Catholic Answers isn’t descriptive. It’s actually the yet-unrealized goal of the organization, since they met James White.
- James White’s limbs and head are named after the Five Points of Calvinism.
- James White doesn’t think it’s girly to like tulips.
- Pope Benedict has aomin.org bookmarked on his computer.
- Utah didn’t end polygamy because they wanted to be a state. They ended polygamy because James White said to.
- Everytime James White forgets to use the Greek font correctly on his web page, Bruce Metzger asks his teaching assistants if there are Greek letters in the alphabet that he didn’t know.
If you have more, add ‘em in the comments put ‘em on your own blog and then link here. If we get some good ones, I’ll see about shooting these in an email to AOMin and see what they think. Keep them clean. If you don’t like Dr. White, then it might be better if you didn’t comment. I reserve the right to delete anything I don’t like.
Just to make sure everybody realizes this, I meant this in fun, really. I love AOMin. When other families watch TV, we’ve got archive MP3s of the Dividing Line running in our house.
Update: Dr. White has picked his favorites, and added some commentary of his own.
318 Comments
It was hard to write these and not make any references to the Caner debate coming up. But I wanted to honor the fact that the four men are actually making progress in getting the debate together.
Calvin baptized infants because Calvin never met James White.
Arizona was a temperate zone before James White moved there and started working out every day.
Boy, this meme isn’t moving very fast. Can some A-lister gimme some link here?
James White writes the forwards to JI Packer’s books.
The Swiss Guard carry pictures of James White, just in case. Not that that will help them.
There aren’t any golden plates of the Book of Mormon, just a note in a secret vault in Salt Lake City that says “James White was here, and that wasn’t Reformed Egyptian, there is no such thing.”
Joseph Smith didn’t know Reformed Egyptian. If anybody’s going to reform Egyptian, it will be James White. He can reform anything.
James White isn’t just Truly Reformed; he is Truly, Madly, Deeply Reformed.
James White…has now read this entry, and passed from this world laughing hysterically. You scare me, Charles. Too bad your name is Charles. Like that OTHER Charles. Thought about changing your name to something like…Chuck?
James>>>
Hey, if James White says my name is Chuck, then I think I have to change it, based on the data I have gathered above. But “Charlie” is fine and my friends call me Charlie.
Glad you took it so well, Dr. White. You’re our hero down here in the trenches, you know.
If James White debated himself, he would win.
Contrary to popular opinion, James White is Lance Armstrongs riding ispiration.
The world outlaws human clothing because if James White were to be cloned, it would be possible that he could debate himself, and hence, it would be possible for James White to lose a debate, catholics and the SBC are secretly attempting to get a strand of Whites DNA to accomplish this…..
ack I must edit that!!!!1
Charles/Charlie/Chuck/Lewie: We got quite the hoot out of your list in our chat channel. Of course, one of them was just not quite believable. If you’ve ever seen Gerry Matatics, you know he would not even leave a decent dent, let alone a crater, no matter how hard you threw him down. I mean, the guy lives on Diet Coke. Not a muscle producing supplement.
James>>>
Josh: shoot me an email, let me know what you want to edit, I’ll fix it. csebold at gmail.com will do the trick.
Dr. White: theoretically one particle thrown with enough force could produce a crater. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt here.
In contrast to recent doubts over Pluto, NASA just upgraded James White to “planet” status.
Why is there so much turbulence for planes landing in Phoenix? Because James White just sneezed in the direction of the airport.
Erich von Daniken came up with his ancient astronaut theory in an attempt to account for the uber intelligence found in James White.
James White isn’t afraid of anything. Anything is afraid of James White.
Many moons ago, James White once went for a dip in Loch Ness, and thus sparked rumors that a fearful creature of behemoth size and ferocity lurked beneath those waters.
We won’t find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan anymore; he fled the country. Why? Because James White is traveling there.
Martin Luther said in reference to the Bible: “First I shake the whole apple tree, that the ripest might fall. Then I climb the tree and shake each limb, and then each branch and then each twig, and then I look under each leaf.”
James White just pulls the whole tree out of the ground with his bare hands.
To paraphrase a well-known quote: Chuck Norris may know karate, but James White knows karazy [koine]!
After biking uphill for ten hours straight, James White took a break to help push the Space Shuttle free from the pull of earth’s gravity.
James White took a sip of Art Sippo and now he’s gone.
Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster created a superhero after James White. To this day, many people consider the superhero a much too watered-down version.
James White is so popular that the SBC actually stands for Sola Baldus Christianus–Bald Christians Alone! It wasn’t until after he left that they chaged the name and became devoid of theology.
Constantine adopted Christianity for the entire Roman Empire under duress from James White.
Martin Luther and Huldrych Zwingli never agreed ’cause they were waiting for James next book to use for reference.
White lost all his hair to aid in the cooling of his new upgraded brain. He still uses his old, outdated brain in debates, just to give the opponent some semblance of hope.
James White’s greatest hope is to do surgery on Art Sippo, M.D., to remove his heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh.
James White helped B.B. Warfield better understand the Greek word theopneustos.
Once, when being chased by n’er-do-wells, James White ran through the woods of New York State with the entirety of the Book of Mormon… on his Tablet PC.
Calvinist Gadfly’s moniker used to be Calvinist T-Rex. That was before he met James White.
James White can shoot a Book of Mormon and have the bullet pass through one word on each page that has been plagiarized from the KJV. OK, so that isn’t really a super-human feat. (I could have said “shoot McConkie’s _Mormon_Doctrine_ and hit a false word on every page”.)
The second shooter on the Grassy Knoll? James White.
Why did Hank Hanegraaff move CRI from the West Coast to the East Coast? James White and AOMin were too close by.
When James White washes his hands with Ivory Soap, it temporarily becomes 56/100% more pure.
When James was 3, his family went on vacation. However, James’ left pinky stayed behind, traveled back in time, and beat Chopin at a piano competition.
Many think that James White’s forehead just shines because of follicular rightsizing. In fact, due to his brain activity, it actually emits its own light.
James once caught Aristotle making a greivous logical fallacy.
When James White walks into a hotel room all of the Gideon Bibles that the guy who plays Gandolf has ripped Ezekiel out of magically restore to their proper place.
If James White were on the Poseidon Cruise Ship having a Pulpit Crimes Conference and a huge tidal wave hit the boat, the wave would turn upside down.
James White accidentally knocked over a rock and caused the dinosaurs to become extinct.
Natural selection is actually James White choosing which creatures will live and which ones will die.
James White is the ultimate presupposition.
A new fashion trend spread across the globe after James White donned his first kilt.
James White created the fractal equations that control the weather.
Jack Bauer keeps James White’s phone number in his pocket just in case.
centuri0n’s home page is James White’s blog.
The Salt River Valley was settled because “the booming desert metropolis of Phoenix, AZ” just sounds so cool.
James White is the reason for the 2nd Amendment to the US Constitution.
James White eats the Pope’s lunch.
The Jehovah’s Witnesses named themselves the JWs because they thought it would be at least neat to have a cool acronym.
When it came to decide in what year to meet, the Council of Nicea had to ask James White permission to meet in 325 AD.
Little Known Fact: Benedict was chosen pope simply because the cardinals first choice was in seclusion in Alaska writing Scripture Alone.
South Mountain and Squaw Peak were put there just for James White.
Kim Riddlebarger and Sam Waldron wrote books on eschatology so James White didn’t have to.
James White is the 5th Pyro.
Excuse me: James White is the first Pyro, and the rest of us are wannabes.
The Lockman Foundation was going to name the NASB the JRWB, but the couldn’t get the rights from Shuey.
James can’t pass a drug screen to cycle professionally — he doesn’t take any enhancements: he’s just that manly by nature.
James wanted to get a barbed wire tattoo, but the needle broke when they tried to start the ink.
There used to be a lot of polar bears in Arizona — before James White moved to Phoenix.
Without James White, there would be no centuri0n. What a boring world that would be.
James White uses 10% of his mental energy to write books, blog, write and deliver sermons, chat in channel and answer callers twice a week on the web cast, adn the other 90% wondering where Rich put all his stuff from the office move.
Steve Camp comes to the annual conference/cruise because James tells him to.
O’Fallon sponsors the annual conference cruise because James tells him to.
James White asks David King politely if he can kindly be available for the annual cruise each year. You do the math.
John Piper went on sabbatical in England when he heard that James White was going to be preaching at Metropolitan Tabernacle.
The Lockman Foundation considered adding The God who Justifies to the NASB as “apocrypha” until James objected.
The Lockman Foundation OK’d the NASB to be used for the new MacArthur Study Bible because James insisted.
Notice that Larry King never asks James to come on the program — only that soft-spoken “Dr.” MacArthur. pheh - liberals.
I can’t think of any appropriate Caner jokes either. I must be getting old.
The Comma Johanneum was written as the result of a dare to try to trip up James White.
Pat Robertson now personally knits alpaca sweaters for James White.
James White is the reason Barry Manilow’s music is making a comeback.
James White encouraged Athanasius to stand contra mundum.
After hearing James White, all the ladies burn their Barry White albums.
Wow. Come back from church to find 58 new comments. That is just astounding. And I only had to delete one.
From my wife:
James White pursues church discipline against infralapsarians.
Oakley sunglasses were considered totally uncool until James White wore them.
California has avoided rolling black outs this summer thanks to the power generators connected to James Whites stationary bicycle.
Originally Gandalf was “the Grey” in deference to James White. Only later did James White allow him to be “the White,” too. But that’s because James White felt bad about throwing Gandalf down to his doom in the mines of Moria. (Yes, “balrog” is dwarvish for James White.)
“I can’t think of any appropriate Caner jokes either. I must be getting old.”
Here’s my weak attempt:
James White’s hair is the cure for both Cancer AND Caner. Too bad there’s none left.
Everyone wants to know which main character(s) J.K. Rowling will kill off in her final Harry Potter book. But the real mystery is, how long does it take James White to kill off this main character — one second or two?
The real reason why each Mormon will have their own planet is because they’re trying to escape from the one James White is on.
“When James White gives blood he brings a bucket and his M500″
SK
An opponent once tried to deny the existence of James White when suddenly — poof! — he ceased to exist in a logical conundrum.
Buddha seeks James White for enlightenment.
It’s true: in space no one can hear you scream. Unless you’re being chased by James White.
Muhammed fled from Mecca to Medina because of James White.
(Only when James White left did Muhammed return.)
Can we please avoid the ones that are just total Chuck Norris rip-offs and have nothing to do with James White other than a name change? Not that there have been many (and I don’t count the one that specifically mentions Dr. White’s favorite firearm, because that is specific to him after all).
Calvinism is true because no one could possibly become James White of their own free-will….. And only God can make people refuse James White.
The only reason I am not a Calvinist is because I’m terrified of James White.
James White is the reason why Arminians won’t call themselves Arminians.
Contrary to popular belief, Oakley sunglasses actually wear James White to look cool rather than the other way around. Same goes for kilts.
James White, being the dour Calvinist that he is, has only really smiled once. The result? Global Warming.
Just a quick note to let people know that new commenters have to be approved first, and that’s going to take a while. I’m getting deluged here.
I love AOMin. When other families watch TV, we’ve got archive MP3s of the Dividing Line running in our house.”
- Same here man!
http://jaminhubner.googlepages.com/
From time to time, James White will enter heretical churches to witness to deceived about the true Gospel. Most are rather intimidated by his boldness. For example, whenever the heretical pulpit sees him, it immediately moves to the center of the room.
James White has been accused of being a chrismatic because he has bound Satan — with a bike chain.
Rumors are that the Mormons in SLC hired the KJV-Onlyists to drive James White out of town.
James White really isn’t a picky eater. It’s that the animals are afraid of him.
The only reason Shadow Fox doesn’t have a utility belt is that he hasn’t met James White.
J. I. Packer doesn’t endorse James White’s books because his endorsement is implied.
The real reason for Mexican immigrants is tht they want to debate James White.
The LDS decide to make “Mormans” an acceptable spelling, and the Reformed everywhere decide to OK “Calvanists” just to save James White from having to correct everyone.
James White is the reason for Charles and Patrick’s blog.
The comments not only exceed the length of the Caner thread over on Tom Ascol’s blog, but it crashes this website and also the entire internet.
Everytime someone buys Oakley sunglasses, James White gets $0.50.
Amen to that!
Total Inability is what happens to someone when they meet James White.
After James White turned down Oliver Cromwell’s offer to serve as his chaplain, Cromwell had to settle for John Owen.
Charles Spurgeon may be the prince of preachers, but James White is the king.
After James White is through with him, centuri0n will no longer be centuri0n but legi0nnaire.
James White is an institute of the Christian religion.
Richard Sibbes wrote The Bruised Reed after James White broke him.
James White read Owen’s commentary on Hebrews in one sitting. Then he got up from his chair, poured himself a glass of water, sat down again and finished Spurgeon’s sermons. Finally it was time for breakfast.
You people need to get a real life.
Steve Hays used to be Steve Bricks but then James White huffed and he puffed and he blew his last name down.
After being in the presence of the uber manliness of James White, Josh Harris realized he could never match up and kissed dating goodbye.
To “Steve”:
Real life includes occasionally having fun and laughing at ourselves. You should try it.
I have a real life, and quite a sense of humor. You aren’t laughing at yourselves, you’re making fun of someone else. There’s a difference, and as Christians that difference should matter.
Is it just me, or is Patrick getting funnier? I laughed out loud at the “bruised reed” one.
Well, Patrick thinks he’s always been funny! But, hey, he’s not James White, you know!
“Steve wrote:
I have a real life, and quite a sense of humor. You aren’t laughing at yourselves, you’re making fun of someone else. There’s a difference, and as Christians that difference should matter.”
Dude, don’t jump to conclusions. If you knew the man, you’d know he’s laughing along with us.
James White has the real doctorate; all others are fake.
I agree with MarieP here. I’m sure James White is having a good laugh over all this. Look at comment #9, after all.
If you’re talking about Dr. White himself, I have told him that if he finds this offensive, I’d remove the whole post. He didn’t seem to mind.
As far as other individuals go, we’ve pointed out a couple of Catholic apologists by name, and to be honest I think their actual statements and antics are more ridiculous than anything written about them here.
As far as denominations or organizations… again, we might have been rough on movements that claim to be Christian and yet reject sola fide, but not as rough as actually interacting with them usually is. I’ve been pretty surprised at how tame this thread has been.
I am not in the business of causing brothers or sisters in the Lord to stumble, so I’m open to discussing a specific complaint.
Just so that everyone’s clear, I went into #prosapologian around midnight CDT and made absolutely sure that Dr. White was OK with this. And just after I posted the thread yesterday morning I logged onto #pros and asked some of the regulars to tell me if it was over-the-top in a bad way.
So if Dr. White was the one you were concerned about, I really honestly believe that this isn’t a big problem for him. And the lion’s share of our traffic the last twenty-four hours has been from his link to us (although Sharper Iron is starting to get things going again this morning in a big way).
James White isn’t really concerned with getting his library unpacked because He has everything worth knowing memorized.
Contrary to popular belief, Boot Hill outside of Tombstone is actually the last resting place for those who called James White a “Ginko Barbarian”.
SharperIron is what James White uses to floss.
Dr. White’s worst nightmare:
Cross-examining himself in a debate in which he is pointing out to himself that he is not allowing himself to be understood in the context in which he is found.
“The wrath to come” refers to James White. Flee!
A claymore in James White’s hands looks like an ornamental letter opener in anyone else’s.
James White can leg press Pat Robertson leg pressing 2,000 lbs.
Lancelet Andrewes tried to get James White as a critical consultant to the King James Version, but Erasmus wouldn’t respond to James’ emails for verification of certain passages in the Textus Receptus, so he wasn’t able to get his contributions in on time.
James White tried to debate Erasmus on the topic of free will, but Erasmus said he would only debate Catholics like that Luther fellow, and then only in writing. Multnomah did the first edition of Bondage of the Will, by the way, with JI Packer and Tim LaHaye both writing forwards.
James White held together [bible]Rom. 8:29-30[/bible] until a craftsman forged a golden chain strong enough to replace him.
It would be better to be a watermellon in an “undisclosed desert location” than to accuse James White of eisegesis.
James White brings true meaning to the phrase, NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER!!
He also invented the Plazma Cannon.
Paul didn’t carry a King James Bible; he carried ‘The King James Only Controversy.’
When Neil Armstrong said his famous line about ‘one giant leap,’ James White said, “You have to consider his statement in the original language, not in your own understanding of a twentieth century transliteration.”
The population of Arizona gets larger every year.
James White, author
James White, theologian
James White, cyclist
James White, debater
James White, Net show host
James White, NASB consultant
Each gets a separate mailout for purchsae of Diamondbacks sesaon tickets
Hoover Dam was built for irrigation; James White was built for information
Calvinism may be a virus, but James White is a terminal illness.
Indirectly, that’s quite true.
Praise God that He is sovereign over both the means and the end.
That reminds me: James White put the “mean” into “means of grace.”
Latimer actually said, “Play James White, Mr. Ridley.”
In his new book Humility: True Greatness, C.J. Mahaney misspelled the word “humility.” It should instead be spelled J-a-m-e-s W-h-i-t-e.
“The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia” was the night James White moved to Phoenix.
JAMES WEARS ROSARY BEADS AROUND HIS NECK TO KEEP COUNT OF ALL THE CATHOLIC APOLEGISTS WHO WILL NOT DEBATE HIM BECAUSE HE IS SO MEAN AND SCARY -AFTER ALL ART SIPPO SAID HE IS MORPHING INTO ANTON LEVEY-ART HAS SPOKEN, THE CASE IS CLOSED…OR IS THAT ROME?
If James White had pounded on the Castle Church door in Wittenburg in 1517, you would still hear it today, Michelangelo would have fallen off the scaffold in the Sistine Chapel, and archaeologists would be finding pieces of Frederick the Wise’s relic collection in Japan.
James White wasn’t invited to Charlemagne’s Christmas coronation in AD 800 because they were afraid he’d snatch the crown out of Leo III’s hands and bicycle away, yelling “no king but King Jesus!”
Nobody is ever confused about the difference between “apologetics” and “apologizing” after meeting James White.
In Kindergarten, James White won a debate with a classmate over why chocolate ice cream bars are the alone instrument of satisfying hunger.
One does not develop the intelligence of James White; one merely recognizes it.